What does Outfluence mean to the education of a child?

Outfluence is inside out communication. It’s using our good will to influence another person. Traditionally, influence has been gained from the outside, from the temporary pressure inherent in prestige, wealth, ability, or position. Outfluence recognizes that meaningful influence begins inside, at the core of who you are as a person, and is the result of a total communication experience that includes silent communication. In an education setting, for example, a teacher uses her knowledge of the subject matter along with her inspired performance to convey her message about the subject and gain buy-in from the students. A student is comfortable asking questions during class because he knows from the teacher’s past consistent demeanor that his teacher will be supportive and patient. When a teacher communicates regularly with parents regarding the progress of their children, the teacher sends a silent message: “I care.” That simple message brings comfort, confidence, pride, and satisfaction to the parent and leads to better teacher-student-family relations. We have identified a number of silent components within Outfluence, and 10 of them are immediately applicable to the education of a child.

To be successful in life we have to grow. Growth requires change and risk. When we change and risk we open a door to the unknown. That’s scary, isn’t it?

Growth is a lonely journey if we have to travel its path alone. But if we can pick up a few people to share the trip with us, it’s less lonely, less scary, and easier to navigate. Having a network of resources to rely on would reduce our fear, wouldn’t it?

What might a network of resources look like in a startup business? How about a business partner? Ideally, a partnership comprised of a “Mr. Inside” and a “Mr. Outside,” i.e., someone who runs the business day-to-day and someone who is out marketing the business, is a model that can work.

Professional resources such as an attorney, an accountant, and a banker are essential to any business.

Networking organizations, community groups, mastermind groups are all types of connections business leaders reach out to for a variety of reasons.

You’re starting to feel better already about your new startup business idea, aren’t you? There is a vast network of resources available in the community, many of them at minimal or no cost. And the “dirty little secret” is that if you pick up the phone and call, or send an e-mail to, a businessperson who is in your area of interest, they’ll share their insights with you for free.

A few years ago I read an article in my local paper about an international business consultant who sounded like a fascinating person. I thought about calling him but couldn’t find the courage to do that. But I can write a pretty good letter, and that didn’t take nearly as much courage, so I wrote to him. I made sure to include in my letter all of my forms of contact - phone numbers, web address, e-mail address. He responded by e-mail and invited me to lunch. Two weeks later I was sitting across from him in a restaurant in south Baltimore.

Dream big. Find a way to engage others. Build your network of resources. Reduce your fear. You can do it.

Today I want to speak to those of you who have dealt with or are dealing with self-confidence issues, those of you who have battled low self-esteem, those of you who have fire in your belly, those of you who are passionate about your goals but despite that you find it difficult to express your passion – you keep it bottled up hoping that someone will come along who recognizes your passion and will respond to it.

Maybe you’re like I was – you’re very good at what you do, you want to do more of it, but you just can’t bring yourself to go out and meet people, you find it hard to build the relationships that you need to build in order to reach your dreams.

I discovered while in the throes of the biggest failure of my life that I had indeed built those relationships but I had done it silently. You see, I didn’t understand that 70 to 90 percent of all communication is conducted in silence. Once I discovered the power of silent communication and began to employ it in my life, everything changed for me.

Outfluence is a communication concept. The philosophy behind the concept is that our silent communication often speaks more effectively for us than does our auditory communication. In other words, you’re going to look at what I do, not what I say.

What I have done is I have learned how to focus my silent communication strategically but in a thoughtful, purposeful, and sincere way. I developed a communication model called Constant Communication - the fact that everything you do from what you read, what you watch, what you wear, who you associate with, what you do with your leisure time is constantly communicating something about you.

One of the most effective tools you will ever use is called a Quiet Storm of Outfluence – what do you do after “hello”? How do you build a personal relationship into a business relationship?

My favorite silent tool is Inspired Performance. An inspired performance requires just a bit more emotion, just a bit more effort, just a bit more sacrifice, and just a bit more focus on the needs of others. Inspired Performance will enable your company to grow even in this down economy.

The best part of silent communication is that it costs nothing to implement, and the principles you learn will serve you, and your company, forever.

I admit to being somewhat of a news junkie. But it’s the last thing I enjoy writing about. This morning, however, I do want to comment on a news segment I watched at 5:00 a.m. It was a one-hour program on the future of education.

Technology was the focus. Learning by hands-on project development rather than by lecture was featured. On-line learning was heavily stressed. Lesson plans being sold on-line by teachers has been going on for a few years, apparently, a fact of which I was not aware. The conclusion of the program made it clear that the single most important contributor to a child’s education is parental involvement.

Yesterday I attended a day-long workshop which was developed for legal professionals involved in the practice of criminal law. The last session of the day focused on gangs -how they form, why they form, what they do. One of the reasons they form is to take the place of broken families. Children find acceptance in gangs. Again, parental love and guidance is at the center of a child’s development.

My friend Zig Ziglar, the father of motivational training, says that one thoughtfully delivered “atta boy” or “atta girl” is more meaningful than saying “let me show you a better way to do that.” We all respond better to the emotional content of praise and encouragement than we do to lessons.

Lessons are important, of course, but it’s emotion that keeps us motivated.

When someone has disrespected you, or lied to you, or taken advantage of you is it best to confront them about it immediately, or do you think the better course of action is to wait and to think?

Confrontation is so appealing. You are emotionally charged, your courage is at its peak, you have every reason to be in attack mode. What are the positive results that are likely to flow from an immediate reaction by you? You might feel better. You address the issue immediately. The potential negatives include saying some things you will later regret, other people hearing your words and your tone and being surprised or even threatened by it, thus impacting your reputation.

It might be better to wait, to not react emotionally, to think about a better way to respond. Your success is the most effective form of response after being disrespected, lied to, or taken advantage of. The reason that is true is because more than likely the person or people who violated you will not grow beyond that type of behavior. They will continue to be troublemakers. When you do grow as a person, the contrast will be so obvious, and your life will be so much better for it. In addition, your success will afford you the opportunity to contribute to your community and gain a tremendous amount of respect. It will take time for you to reach that point of success. What will drive you to be successful will be the memory of being violated, the memory of the way you felt when it was happening.

Take the longer, thoughtful approach rather than the reactionary, emotional response to the things people do and say to you. Use negative events in your life to motivate you to succeed. Talk to successful people in your community, talk to your family members and your trusted friends; I bet you’ll uncover stories that will support the thoughtful response to being dissed.

The value of Outfluence in a recession is set in motion before the recession, of course, by living the Outfluence lifestyle. The lifestyle consists of thoughtful, purposeful, and sincere decisionmaking. But if you find yourself in the midst of a recession and you haven’t yet committed to the lifestyle, there are things you can do to change your situation.

The first recommendation I have is that you seek out coaching assistance. Outfluence coaching is reasonably priced at $30 per hour, and the basics can be accomplished in the equivalent of one workday.

Next, I would encourage you to attend an Outfluence workshop and benefit from exposure to others learning the art of silent communication.

Finally, a number of videos, podcasts, books, booklets and articles are available, many for free, on the Outfluence website. Take advantage of that valuable information for self-study.

You will find Outfluence on Facebook, on Twitter, on Amazon, among other locations. Our Pearl of the Day is available for free by subscription.

Silent Communication is crucial to life success and business accomplishment. Inspired Performance will push you to the forefront of visibility and establish you as a key player in any organization. Constant Messaging is part of a communication program which creates a quiet storm of Outfluence. We will help you develop skills in all of these disciplines.

I don’t pretend to have all the answers to today’s bullying problem in our schools. All I can tell you is for kids who are interested in what could possibly happen to them as they move into adulthood, I can help them. I can help them start from wherever they are in life to get the tools they need to decide where to go next. Then I can show them how to communicate both verbally and silently. Then I can teach them how to build rewarding and satisfying relationships. What I love to help them do most is explore their individual genius and identify opportunities for them to grow. Life is challenging, fun, exciting, rewarding, and it will beat you down if you let it. There is no reason for a child to be beaten down by life. No reason for a child to give up on life before he or she reaches the age of majority. Don’t let it happen to children you know. Don’t allow a bully of any age to destroy your children. Call Outfluence and ask about our program entitled You Are Here … Now What? We will help the children in your life make better decisions.

There are so many ways we communicate. We talk, we cell each other, we sing, we yell, we cry, we write, we e-mail, we twitter, we IM, we act, we play instruments, we wear clothing that expresses our mood, we wear jewelry to express our style, we work hard, we don’t work at all, we attend church, we don’t attend church, we stop school before graduating from high school, we attend college, we attend graduate school, we start a business, we succeed, we fail. We are constantly messaging. As much as 90% of our communication is silent. 100% of our communication is judged by somebody . . . often without our knowledge.

Facebook (FB) is a prime example of both silent communication and constant messaging. As I write this, I see a person FBing about her busy Saturday schedule. She is a regular on FB, and I know by her previous posts that she and her husband lead a very active life. So I can picture her lifestyle by her silent communication. Another person has been FBing for a few weeks about an event she is hosting today and about all of the sponsors who will be supporting the event. She has done a great silent job of bringing her event to life on FB. Other FBers like to share their favorite motivational or leadership quotations, which silently conveys much about who they are and some of the things they believe in. Over time these silent communicators become friends because we believe we know them, so we make judgments about them.

The process of building relationships is changing as we navigate between the relative comfort of a face-to-face world and a less secure on-line faceless world. We tend to share too much with our on-line “friends” and too little with our face-to-face friends. It is imperative that we teach ourselves, and our families, how to interpret silent communicators of others and also how to use our own silent communicators. The potential for harm, as well as good, is great in today’s silent, often faceless world.

He has sounded from the trumpet that shall never call retreat
He is sifting out the hearts of men before His judgment-seat
Oh, be swift, my soul, to answer Him! Be jubilant, my feet!
Our God is marching on.

Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!
Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!
Glory! Glory! Hallelujah!
His truth is marching on.

Above are lyrics from the Battle Hymn of the Republic.

On September 11, 2001, in three different locations on the east coast of the United States people died at the hands of terrorists. It was a violent reminder that our freedom and our lifestyle comes with a price. It was tragic evidence that evil and ignorance exist in the world. It is proof that awareness of human conduct, communication in all of its forms, and education of all people must continue to improve if our world is ever going to live in harmony. In the meantime, powerful lyrics such as those found in the Battle Hymn of the Republic sustain us when innocent people are lost to senseless acts.

John is an only child. He is now married himself, and he and his wife are the parents of a two-year-old girl. The family is flying to Florida to visit Disneyland. From the airplane, John calls his father to say, “Dad, our plane has been hijacked; I don’t know what to expect.” John’s father tells him that another plane had been hijacked and it was flown into the World Trade Center.

“Dad, I think that’s what’s happening to us. I can see we’re heading to New York. Oh, my God! What should we try to do?” Quickly, John recovers his emotions sufficiently to express concern for his elderly and ill father, and he attempts to comfort him. They both are crying. John says to his father, “The thing is we’re all up here together, and it’s going to be quick. Take care of mom.”

Sure enough, while John is talking to his dad, while the dad is watching his son’s airplane on a television news program, Johns screams, “Oh my God! Oh my God! This is it!” As his dad listens to his son, he watches the airplane carrying his son and his family hit the second tower.

The most important attribute a marriage can have is respect. If we respect our spouse, we have love for our spouse. If we respect our spouse, we also treat them with self-control, patience, and tolerance. If the respect flows both ways, the marriage is a winner. If one spouse gets upset with the other, chances are good that emotions won’t escalate. One or the other will find a way, through silence, or through playful diversion, or through quiet communication to de-escalate the tension.

My wife and I have been married for 40 years, and we also work together. Those two things are not necessarily conducive to harmony. We make it work because we respect and love each another. When tensions rise in the office or at home, one or the other will extend an invitation to drive to the post office or anywhere else to remove ourselves from the office environment for a while and lessen stress. Sometimes we will just agree to talk about the issue later. If it turns out to be important enough to warrant further discussion, we will discuss it. Often, whatever was raising our hackles a little bit earlier in the day resolves itself. We both respect one another. Consequently, we both work to keep our disagreements under control by not allowing emotions to escalate.

In the difficult economic times in which we are living, relationships can be tested daily. It’s important to communicate about our stressors but it is also important to know when silence is the better course of action, at least temporarily. Cooler heads always prevail.